Or: How to get your garden gnome ready for TEOTWAWKI (The End Of the World As We Know It)
Gnomes are usually known for staying in their gardens entertaining children, but there comes a time when even these little fellows will have to leave their safe haven and venture into the big, dangerous world. If you’ve ever wanted to be prepared for TEOTWAWKI, here are 20 ways you can prepare with your garden gnome.
1. Help him outfit his Tractor. A really serious collapse may involve vehicles that won’t start without a critical part or computer code, rendering useless even the best of intentions by our pre-industrial ancestors.
2. Encourage him to switch from flip-flops to an A-line dress. In the event of a sudden societal collapse, those who attempt to assimilate into a new culture will have a much easier time blending in and becoming just another member of the tribe.
3. Help him gear up – Garden gnomes love shoes, hats, and gloves.
4. Convert his decorative swords into garden tools or knives that can handle real jobs- Many of the tasks our pre-industrial ancestors had to perform with hand tools will become a thing of the past when society continues in a downward spiral. If possible buy him a good hatchet and teach him how to use it properly.
5. Give him a little Apocalyptic swag – One of the hardest things in life is to figure out what to wear when you are trying to blend into or with an apocalyptic tribe. If he has some style, maybe give him something that shows it off in the event there is no one around to judge him when he walks out his door to greet a passing marauder.
6. Show him how to make a solar still – With the depletion of fresh water supplies, even the smallest rainfall could mean the difference between staying alive and not making it through another day. Making a solar still will allow your gnome to be able to capture rainwater for drinking, cleaning dishes, or putting in the garden.
7. Teach him to defend himself – There may come a day when he needs to stand up for himself and not be afraid to get into a street fight, should our societal decline require it.
8. Show him how to catch his own dinner – In an extended collapse, society won’t have grocery stores full of frozen food, so he’ll have to catch his own dinner if he wants to eat. Squirrels are an easy prey for him to catch, but it is also possible he can catch fish using a survival spear or even set some traps for larger game.
9. Teach him how to farm – If there is no one around to teach him how to do it, he will have to learn on his own.
10. Teach him how to trap – Whether he is trying to catch dinner or just looking for something warm to wear, trapping may be the ticket.
11. Show him how to tan a pelt – Once you’re done trapping all those critters, you’ll need to tan their hides in order to put them to good use.
12. Teach him how to make a bow drill fire – If there is no one around who knows how, he will need the skill so he can survive when you aren’t around.
13. Show him how to build a lean-to shelter and start a fire in the rain – Nothing is worse than being cold, wet, and miserable when trying to survive.
14. Teach him how to start a fire without matches – I don’t care what kind of prepper supplies you have or how much experience you have with starting fires, there are times when it just won’t work for whatever reason.
15. Show him how to find direction without a compass – If for some reason your prepper gear isn’t working or if the batteries run out, he should know how to get himself back on track using his wits and a few improvised tools.
16. Teach him about edible plants and where you can find them – Knowing which plants are edible is good for his health, but it may also keep him from being a meal for someone else who doesn’t know.
17. Show him how to trap small animals – If you can’t get any big game or if there is no one around who knows how, he will need this skill to stay alive in a survival situation.
18. Teach him about foraging for wild edibles and how to identify them – He may not always have a fishing pole or a bow drill set, so if he knows what’s safe to eat in an emergency situation he can supplement his diet as necessary.
19. Show him how to butcher small game animals – If you’ve got the skill, now is probably a good time to teach it to him.
20 (BONUS!) Teach him how to prepare game – We’re talking squirrel here, but if you ever get something bigger he needs know how to properly preserve the meat for later use.
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