By Quinton Bolts, writing for the Quibbler. Originally published 01/01/2016. Retrieved 08/09/2021.
The idea of a garden gnome is so popular. They are seen as cute, little statues that bring luck to your home or garden. But these five football-playing lawn statues take the term “little” to a whole new level! These guys are huge, and they don’t seem too happy about it either. Let’s take a look at the top 5 rude gnomes in football (soccer) history.
1) (Least Offensive) Gianluigi Buffon Garden Gnome
This Italian professional football goalkeeper is the captain of both Serie A club Juventus and the Italian national team. He is the most expensive goalkeeper of all time, costing Juventus €53 million in 2001. That’s quite a lot for a little statue! This gnome stands at about 171cm tall and has a weight of about 26kg.
2) (Less Offensive) Javier Zanetti Garden Gnome
This Argentinian retired professional footballer is mostly remembered for his stint with Italian club Internazionale, where he spent his entire career. This gnome stands at a massive 185cm tall, making him the second tallest on our list. This guy clocks in at a weight of around 34kg.
3) (Still Not Offensive) Ruud Gullit Garden Gnome
This retired Dutch footballer and manager is well known for playing with teams like: HFC Haarlem, PSV Eindhoven, and A.C. Milan (where he was named World Footballer of the Year in 1987 and 1989). This is a pretty big gnome, standing at about 177cm and weighing about 33kg.
4) (Still Not Offensive) Thierry Henry Garden Gnome
This retired French professional footballer was one of the greatest strikers of all time. He played for Monaco, Juventus, Barcelona, New York Red Bulls, and spent eight years in the Premier League playing for Arsenal. This gnome is about 174cm tall and weighs around 32kg.
5) (Most Offensive) Hristo Stoichkov Garden Gnome
This retired Bulgarian professional footballer is widely regarded as one of the best players of his generation by players, managers and pundits. He was a member of the Bulgarian national team that reached the semi-finals of the 1994 World Cup, losing to Italy in a penalty shootout. This gnome is about 168cm tall and weighs around 28kg. That’s pretty tiny for such an offensive garden gnome!
In hindsight, there really aren’t that many rude football gnomes. They’re all fairly chill. Strictly speaking, these are all the most offensive ones, although none of them are particularly ‘in-your-face’. Sorry about that.
So what do you think? Let us know in the comments below!
Quibbler Comments (24)
James & Audrey said: There are some other great gnomes that didn’t make the cut. There’s one I’ve seen a few times at the local garden store that’s dressed up like a doctor and carrying around a syringe. I also like the one near my house that looks like he’s doing a keg stand. I do understand why they’re not on this list, though, as they’re not football related. [REPLY]
Quinton said: I see why those other gnomes aren’t allowed on the list because they’re not football related. They should definitely be on the list of top five most offensive garden gnomes generally, though. Keep ’em comin’! [REPLY]
Anonymous said: I actually own that Ruud Gullit gnome. It was a gift from my grandma! I don’t think she’d appreciate me putting him on the list of “most offensive garden gnomes”, however. [REPLY]
Amelia said: I like that Ruud Gullit gnome. What’s he doing on this list? This is outrageous! [REPLY]
Anonymous said: Wow, that’s really offensive. I can’t believe you actually called him a ‘gnome’. [REPLY]
Daryl said: Why are they rude? They’re just kickin it! [REPLY]
Alice said: Of the five gnomes on this list, I actually like that Gianluigi Buffon gnome. He’s pretty big and looks like he could fight off some bad luck. That Javier Zanetti one just looks silly to me. I suppose Thierry Henry is okay, but I’m not sure why he’s even on the list. [REPLY]
Quinton said: Well, I think that first one looks a little bit more ‘gnome-ish’, so I’m going to call him a gnome. And they’re on the list because they have offensive poses. It’s not really their fault, but it is what it is… [REPLY]
Carlos said: Sorry, but none of these are particularly offensive. They’re all fairly chill and inoffensive. I can’t believe you’d even put Hristo Stoichkov on this list. He’s one of the best players in history! Cliiiiiiickbaaaaaait!!!!!! [REPLY]
Quinton said: Oh boy, here we go. I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree with you on that one, Carlos. The name of the article is “Top 5 Most Rude Football Garden Gnomes”, not “top 5 garden gnomes Quinton gets offended by”. I can see why you wouldn’t think they’re rude, but if we talk about them on the Quibbler we need to be objective. We don’t want to alienate our readers, now do we? [REPLY]
Alice said: I think what Carlos means is that they’re just not offensive at all. He’s right about Hristo Stoichkov. Clickbait! [REPLY]
Catherine said: I think you missed how scary those five are. If I had to guess, they’re the men responsible for killing all those people in the forest. Do you really want them watching you sleep at night? I don’t think so! [REPLY]
Vincent said: Quinton, if you find these offensive it’s probably because you lack a sense of humor or imagination. This list is terrible! [REPLY]
Quinton said: Vincent, if you don’t like something on the Quibbler, let me know in an email and I’ll try to take care of it. Just be civil about it! [REPLY]
Amelia said: Well… none of them are particularly in your face insults. Maybe they should be on a list for ‘most passive-aggressive garden gnomes’ or something?
TheSnide said: Well you’re all wrong. I’ve seen them all up close and they’re rude as hell. I think it’s the facial expressions more than anything. They look like they want to kill you or something… [REPLY]
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