By Zara Thustra, Staff Reporter for the Pilkeau Tribune
After years of tireless dedication to finding The One, 58 year-old Edward Blum has decided that love is not for him. But instead of wallowing in self-pity or drowning himself in a sea of tears, he has taken up the nurturing and care of his ‘lawn boys’ as he calls them—or, as the rest of us know them, his garden gnomes.
“No need for love—I get all the love I need from my lawn boys!” exclaims Blum, who knows that true contentment comes not from finding one’s other half, but instead in revelling in the knowledge that he is everything to something. “Whenever I look at them, I see how much they really need me,” he continued, adding that they are his ‘sons’, a fact which was confirmed by a DNA test he had done five years ago. “They’re my little guys. They look to me for guidance and I want to give them the best lives possible!”
Blum’s neighbors seem to have mixed feelings about the long-time bachelor’s recent parenting decisions.
“We’re not exactly sure what’s going on, but something just doesn’t seem right about all of this,” says Mrs. Jacqueline Kelp, speaking for her fellow residents in the neighborhood. “Whenever I try to chat with him he takes a long, hard look at one of the lawn boys, clears his throat to get my attention, and says ‘This one. Right here.’ If I try to walk away he’ll follow me for miles, still talking about which one of his precious babies gets what kind of nutrients in their ‘home garden beds’ [sic].”
“I just hope he doesn’t take it too far,” she adds. “I’ve heard about other people who replaced their children with lawn ornaments.”
For his part, Blum has only the best intentions in mind.
“These little guys mean everything to me,” he says as he lovingly caresses one of his lawn boys while measuring its growth over time by comparing it to his forearm. “And knowing that I’m going to be the only one who gets to spend the rest of my life with them? Well, let’s just say you can expect a really happy lawn party for all eternity!”
When asked if he would ever consider dating a real person Blum became visibly flustered and quickly hid in his shed, refusing to come out until we had left the premises.
Why ‘Lawn Boys’?
Blum says that the name was originally given to him by his father, who felt that ‘Garden Gnomes’ was too cliché. “You can call them what you want, but I know the truth,” he says.
“They really are my little lawn boys.”
COMMENTS [Retrieved 08/09/2021]
Lauren (12:59, 09/10/2015):
I think it’s great! This man has found his passion. I hope that one day I can be as happy as he is!
James (01:01, 09/10/2015):
The fact that this man has found his one true calling makes me sick to my stomach. What kind of society do we live in where people are allowed to love what they want, regardless of how it makes others feel?
Anonymous (02:05, 09/10/2015):
I can’t believe how stupid this guy is. I mean, this is the world’s most transparent cry for help and you’d think people would take pity on him instead of encouraging him to keep living in denial! And what kind of journalistic integrity does this paper have? They’re taking advantage of an old man—how do they sleep at night?
Mark (10:59, 09/10/2015):
Ok, so it’s a bit silly and weird…but I think we should just be happy for the guy. He has found something that makes him happy and instead of wasting his life away, why not just accept it? We all need something to make us happy.
Sally (11:04, 09/10/2015):
Honestly you sound like a bunch of judgmental a**holes. Just because he’s not standing behind the counter at McDonalds, that doesn’t mean you should be so quick to pass judgment on what the guy is doing with his life. Just let him be happy, please.
Mark (11:08, 09/10/2015):
But he’s not happy. He’s literally saying that he has no friends and doesn’t want any. He literally admitted that he takes care of those lawn ornaments because they are the only friends he has. The man needs help.
Sally (11:16, 09/10/2015):
What does his happiness have to do with your happiness? You don’t want anyone telling you how to live, so why are you trying to tell him how he should live?
Mark (11:20, 09/10/2015):
No it doesn’t, but someone has to say something. That man is clearly losing his marbles. He needs help, not encouragement!
Sally (11:24, 09/10/2015):
I think you are the one who needs help. These people are not hurting you or anyone else, so why do they need to be “saved”?
Mark (11:27, 09/10/2015):
You’re right Sally, I am wasting my life away by sitting at a computer typing out opinions about strangers instead of living my own life. It doesn’t matter what I think anyway, so why don’t we just agree to disagree? Have a nice day!
Sally (11:31, 09/10/2015):
I will. And please do try to be happy for once in your life! Don’t spend it worrying about what other people are doing with their lives!
Anonymous (02:04, 09/11/2015):
What kind of sick and sadistic pervert does something like this? And to think that this sick bastard has been using them as his own personal playthings is absolutely despicable. Someone needs to make sure he never sees the light of day again.
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