By Simon Martin, Professor of English Literature at University College, London. Posted 02/02/2020, retrieved 08/09/2021. Article was found on university Intranet.
I recently discovered that life is a lot like football: everybody wants to play but nobody really knows how it works, and if you’re unlucky enough to get involved then you’ll spend most of the time on the bench while everything gets decided without you and everyone spends the game shouting at you for doing what you’re told. The best thing, then, is to stay well clear and get on with something else instead.
Having decided that life really isn’t worth bothering with and there’s nothing much I can do about it anyway, I’ve been thinking about different ways of occupying myself while I wait for the inevitable moment when I get a boot to the head and am killed, thus bringing a welcome end to my pointless existence. Some people go in for extreme sports or do daft things like skydiving from planes even though they know that it will probably end with them splattered all over a pavement somewhere.
For me, the obvious answer was gardening – but not just any old gardening. I wanted to create something beautiful, something that would bring joy and delight to anyone who happened to pass by my home, so I decided to turn myself into a garden gnome. And not just any gnome, but a football-themed garden gnome (and, more specifically still, a Morecambe F.C. gnome—I’m a proud Shrimps fan).
Why a Football Garden Gnome?
A football garden gnome is much more than just a terracotta ornament: it’s an opportunity to become part of the beautiful game and to share something with its fans. So many people go through life without ever really getting involved in anything, but now I have the chance not only to watch my favourite team every week from the comfort of my own front room, but to stand out in the garden and have a chat with anyone who comes by.
People often say that life would be infinitely better if we lived in a world where everybody loved football as much as they do. Well now, thanks to my DIY efforts, I’m living proof that it can be done! However, there are a couple of things that you need to be aware of if you want to do the same:
1. Appearances aren’t everything. Sure, I look like a normal garden gnome, but there’s much more to my new life than meets the eye: for example, I can speak six different languages and know all about the history and evolution of the game.
2. I’m still very much alive, although my life is now dedicated to supporting Morecambe F.C. So if you’re looking for a talking point or someone to share with at half-time, then come and visit me in the garden (but don’t expect me to do any gardening).
3. Don’t be deceived by size: I may only stand 25cm tall, but that doesn’t mean that I’m any less enthusiastic about my team than somebody who can drink an entire barrel of beer and still stand up afterwards.
If you want to be a football garden gnome yourself, then look no further: follow this simple guide and you’ll be up and running in no time.
What You Need to BECOME a Football Garden Gnome
A terracotta pot of the right size. It needs to be big enough for your body plus a little room for manoeuvre, but not so big that you struggle to move around properly. If it’s too small then it won’t balance properly and you’ll end up as nothing more than a broken heap on the floor.
A football-themed exterior. This might just be a sticker, but it could also involve painting your pot green and adding details such as laces or an official club crest (even if it’s not very good). I’m lucky enough to have a real football glued to the top of my head, but it’s probably not worth trying this at home.
A face. I had to go through several different faces before I found one that I was happy with, so don’t be afraid to experiment – even if you do end up looking like Shrek after a bad hair day. A football-themed hat helps too.
A brain. This might seem like an unusual addition, but it’s the difference between being a football garden gnome and just a garden ornament, so take your time choosing one that really suits you. You’ll need to buy or build yours before you can do anything else (although some people prefer to create their own, based on their favourite player).
A heart. This sounds like an odd one, but it’s really important: without a heart you’re just a mindless lump of clay and any time that somebody looks at you (or worse still kicks you), then all they’ll see is a cold, lifeless statue with no personality or purpose. I can’t stress this enough, so try to find one that looks happy.
Putting The Pieces Together
It’s really easy. Just follow these simple steps and you should have your new life up and running within a few days:
1. Glue or build your brain into place, then let it dry overnight while you get on with step two.
2. Mix up a small batch of clay and roll it out to the thickness of your little finger. Cut it into a football shape – or anything that makes you happy, if you prefer – and stick it on top of your head with a quick-drying adhesive (I’m lucky enough to have real hair, so I used some more clay to make a pony tail – much easier than trying to grow one in the normal way). You may need to do this several times before you get the shape right, but it’s worth it because your brain will work better when it can “breathe”.
3. Once your brain is fully dry, paint on a happy face and let the paint dry overnight while you step out on to the field and get a feel for your new life.
4. It’s almost time to move in, but first you need to add some security features: I’ve found that it helps to add small pieces of wire (legs) and pieces of moss (hands), although this is entirely up to you.
5. Now it’s time to fill your new home with all the essentials: A comfy cushion and a few cushions that can be used as goalposts for impromptu kickabouts (it doesn’t matter if they’re too small for any serious football matches).
6. Once you’ve finished moving in, make sure to dress appropriately. If you’re fortunate enough to have a real jersey then that’s perfect, but if not then I’d recommend painting or taping on the name of your favourite player to a random shirt from your wardrobe.
7. Make sure to take regular breaks and step outside for some fresh air: Light exercise will help to circulate your blood and promote good mental health.
So there you have it: if you’re feeling a little bored with life and looking for something to do, then why not be a football garden gnome? It might not make your life any better – but at least you won’t spend all of your time shouting at people from the bench.
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