You may think you know everything there is to know about garden gnomes, but we can assure you: you don’t.
The sad truth is that most men never grow up and simply don’t care enough to broaden their minds past the basic knowledge of what kind of car they drive or how much money they make. It’s all good and well to be a grown ass man, but there is always room for improvement and knowledge is power.
That’s why we’re here to help you out with six facts about garden gnomes that will help you grow into the man that nature intended:
1) Garden gnomes come in two distinct species: the lawn gnome and the dungeon gnome.
The lawn gnome is your run-of-the-mill garden variety; the default species if you will, and is commonly depicted as a jolly old chap with one or more of his pointy red hats on his head. These are what you’d typically see on people’s front lawns (hence the name) during the day, but at night they are known to transform into their dungeon gnome counterparts.
Dungeon gnomes are the same species as lawn gnomes, except for one small difference: their hats don’t come off.
These notorious creatures live in the shadows of suburban homes and it is advisable not to disturb them. Not only can they be very territorial at times, but they are also known to bite.
2) Garden gnomes have a very dark side, often referred to by scientists as “gnomenisis”.
This rare disorder causes garden gnomes of all breeds to develop an insatiable blood lust that drives them into a frenzy for destruction and carnage. There are unconfirmed reports of gnomes emerging from back yards and garages in the middle of the night carrying shovels, baseball bats or garden rakes. Fortunately, these outbreaks are few and far between.
3) The first ever garden gnome was discovered in a small German town by a tenacious young boy named Hansel P. Smith during the Black Plague of 1347.
At first glance, this may seem like an awful lot to take in right now so let’s break it down for you:
Garden gnomes have been around for a long, long time. The average garden gnome weighs in at about three pounds and possesses a life expectancy of 130 years (if properly cared for). This means that over the last six centuries, there have been more than one billion garden gnomes produced worldwide! If you consider yourself a connoisseur of classic cars, think of this number as roughly equivalent to the number of Model T Fords ever produced.
Garden gnomes are not restricted to Germany; in fact, they can be found all over Europe and North America. Although some regions produce more garden gnomes than others (the gardens of Eastern France in particular), it is estimated that there are about three million garden gnomes in the United Kingdom alone, which is perhaps more than the number of motor vehicles in the entire country.
And you have Hansel P. Smith to thank for it.
4) There is more to garden gnomes than just the standard model.
Over the years, garden gnomes have evolved and branched off into different breeds and varieties that suit a diverse range of tastes. This has been made possible through creative experimentation by gnome breeders who use cultural behavior patterns from all over the world, including Germany, Japan, China, the United States and France.
The most popular sub-species of garden gnome are the “garden troll”, “hipster gnome” and, perhaps the oddest breed of them all, the Minion.
All three sub-groups drastically differ from their predecessors; for example, garden trolls prefer to spend their time in dark caves (or under bridges) where they practice the dark arts, hipster gnomes are obsessed with all things feline whereas minion gnomes (who are actually quite popular in the United States) like to party and do keg-stands, etcetera.
5) Contrary to popular belief, garden gnomes are not immortal.
However, they do experience what some scientists (who notably lack common sense) refer to as “virtual immortality”.
Allow us to explain:
Gnomes do not age in the true sense of the word; rather, their aging process is vastly different from that of humans. Gnomes are extremely long-lived creatures who, due to some bizarre genetic mutation, are unable to die of old age. This makes them nearly immortal.
However, there is one major drawback: gnomes live for so long that they outlive everyone and everything they know – including their own species.
This leads to a very lonely existence, which is why garden gnomes often reach out to humans in search of friendship.
Unfortunately, this also means that garden gnomes are cursed with extinction when the last surviving member dies (this person/gnome is called “the Elder”). There were once hundreds of millions of garden gnomes across the globe but every single one will have died out by the year 2157, leaving the Elder with no one to talk to.
And that’s when things get really bad.
6) The threat of extinction is very real and garden gnomes are already beginning to feel lonely because someone they know has gone missing.
Over the last few months, reports have been pouring in from all over the world of garden gnomes going missing; all of them coming from otherwise healthy gardens with no signs of a break-in.
Garden gnome breeders believe that there is a very real chance that the Elder has perished, possibly as a result of an accident or due to natural causes i.e. an act of God. If the Elder has truly passed away, there is no way to know how long it will be until the last surviving garden gnome dies of loneliness.
However, if you know someone who owns a garden gnome or three then maybe now is not a bad time to reach out and form that much needed bond with them.
Regardless of what you decide, the fate of garden gnomes is now in your hands.
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