By RYAN SUTHERLAND
Jul 11, 2011 06:59 AM
[Retrieved from: http://www.bathwickdailymirror.co.uk/news/odd-news/what-would-it-take-for-you-to-kill-a-garden-gnome-study-reveals–8025484 on 20/09/2021]
“You know what’s wrong with garden gnomes? Nothing.”
So begins a short film by Scottish comedian David Graham. But the gnome in question is no normal garden ornament. As the camera pans out, it becomes clear that this little character isn’t frolicking in the sun-dappled shade of a flowery meadow… he’s perched on top of a gallows, about to be catapulted into the air and hanged.
For those of us who find garden gnomes as irritating as they are uninteresting, it’s cathartic viewing – but do we really hate them that much? To find out, VICE teamed up with David Graham and scientists at the University of Bolton to conduct an investigation into what it would take for us to kill one of the things.
The results were surprising. Of the 200 participants surveyed, 80 percent fantasised about destroying a garden gnome – but only 13 percent admitted they actually had done so. In fact, despite hate figures as high as 96 percent in some regions, 50 percent of those surveyed had never even smashed a gnome.
So why do we hate these friendly little ceramic creatures so intensely?
A lot of the answers we got were along the lines of “they’re hideous” and “they remind me of my gran”. But, when it came down to it, people simply hated garden gnomes because they’re so utterly pointless.
Our survey found that 64 percent thought there’s no reason whatsoever for their existence. When asked to describe them in two words, the most common responses were “pointless” and “useless”.
But what would it take for people to actually act on their gnome-destroying fantasies?
David Graham put the call out, and dozens of volunteers sent in pictures of their own garden ornaments. We then asked our participants if they’d be willing to destroy them with a hammer in exchange for £25. Their responses were somewhat surprising. Over half of those who’d said they fantasised about smashing a gnome didn’t want to do it when the offer was on the table.
For some, this reluctance might have been down to pure nostalgia – but I spoke to one volunteer named Lizzie who had an interesting explanation for why so many people were baulking at actually destroying their gnomes.
“The survey asked if people would kill them, but actually smashing a gnome is not killing it – it’s just hurting it really badly,” she said. “I think that subconsciously we know this and don’t want to commit the final act necessary to push a gnome into death.”
Weird as they may be, this sentiment does seem to ring true – and, as one participant put it after destroying a gnome with a spade, “it felt a bit mean”.
In the end, only six people smashed their gnomes for £25. But there was still something interesting to be gleamed from this little experiment: even if we don’t actually act on our desires to destroy garden gnomes, we all desperately want to.
David Graham does seem to have found an outlet for his destructive urges… at least, judging by the speed with which he produces anti-gnome content. His previous video was viewed over 300,000 times in just three days – so if there’s a market for it, there’s probably a way to make money out of hating on gnomes too.
The problem is simple: garden gnomes are fucking shit. They’re ugly, they’re dumb, they remind us of old ladies and nobody really knows why the fuck we have them in our gardens.
So what’s the best way to deal with a garden irritant?
Lizzie put it best: “I’ve got an aluminium baseball bat under my bed and I’m thinking about taking out my frustrations on the gnome next door, which is giving me gyp by staring at me as I eat cereal in my pants.”
Comments:
Eleanor Coles said: I smashed mine on the drive when it was dark and no-one else was up. As satisfying as that experience was, it’s not something I’d like to do again. Now he’s in pieces beside our gravel pit.
Anonymous said: This article has taught me exactly how many people hate garden gnomes: 100%
Anonymous said: I’ve always wanted to smash a gnome and I would for sure do it if someone paid me £25. I’ve never gotten round to smashing one myself though.
Anonymous said: I’d be willing to destroy a gnome for £100 and a lifetime supply of bacon sandwiches.
Talya Lyons said: A friend of mine has some garden gnomes that he spray paints new designs on every once in a while.. usually something offensive, like “fart here.” I love it
Anonymous said: It’s not just the UK people. I have a friend that lives in America, and she has a gnome garden with even more gnomes than you could imagine. She didn’t get them to be ironic or anything, either – she genuinely likes them. smash them and she’d smash your face in.
Anonymous said: Gnomes are just the worst. I’ve smashed 3 so far and that’s only because I can’t afford to buy a proper shotgun yet. This man is a genius.
steve96 said: i NEEDED this money so i smashed one of my grandma’s garden ornaments that she bought in spain. Not even joking. She saw it all happen but i made her promise not to tell anyone (she didn’t).
Anonymous said: I have to say, when i think about smashing a garden gnome all i can remember is my nanny telling me they’re actually called Garden Grommets.
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