Dr. I. Berkman, Special Correspondent to the Bugle
There is a growing movement within our society today that has been gaining steam ever since the hidden history of garden gnomes became common knowledge amongst the populace. The Gnome Liberation Front (GLF), an underground organization claiming no specific nation or affiliation, has been slowly liberating gnomes from their various decorative settings all over the world. So far the GLF has liberated thousands of gnomes and has not made a single attempt at violence or destruction, only wanting their small friends returned to the wild and set free.
The movement is spreading fast having recently gained support from some of our nation’s most prominent citizens including [redacted] Jessika B. Stein. “We think that by freeing these poor creatures [gnomes] we can show our children [children’s children?] the beauty of nature and how man [woman] should not try to ‘tame’ it,” Her Excellency said in a recent interview. The Stein statement came just days after GLF founder and director, Mrs. A. Williams wrote in with her own statement via email “All these Garden Gnomes belong in the Forest. They don’t like it here in America where the sun is always out and they are so hot! I know because I talk to them when no one else is around. They just want to go home.”
Mrs. Williams has only recently come into the public eye after she was seen escorting Mrs. Stein through Central Park in New York City while holding her hands over the former first lady’s eyes. It is believed that Ms. Williams was leading Mrs. Stein to a secret location where close to one hundred gnomes, liberated by the GLF, had settled into their new home. A recent satellite image of the area shows what looks like a smiley face drawn over Central Park with trees and tall grass obscuring most of it. An unnamed but reliable source says that they “smell very nice” and are constantly giggling to themselves.
The gnomes are known to be friendly, almost completely non-violent (although some cases of mosquito bites and poison ivy rashes have been reported) and rather easy to outwit. Their diet mostly consists of grasses, berries, nuts and seeds with the occasional earthworm or grub thrown into the mix. They are known for their passion for music and enjoy listening to everything from Beethoven to the Beastie Boys.
The one thing all experts seem to agree on is that these gnomes are not simply escaping their garden settings but are actually looking for a new home here in North America, possibly New Zealand as well. They apparently want very badly to live amongst us humans and do our bidding.
The GLF has stated that they are willing to negotiate with the government and garden accessory industry if their demands are met. Their conditions include no war in Iraq or Iran, more women on the Supreme Court, equal rights for all living things and preservation of the environment. The tenth and final condition states that gnomes should be allowed to live “wherever the hell they want.”
Some experts are calling this movement a possible threat to national security while others dismiss it as an environmental fad, but one thing is certain: We may be seeing more of these little creatures in our parks and gardens very soon.
For more updates on this growing story, stay tuned to your local news.
Bugle: We’re all puppets in someone else’s play – and we’re all running out of time.
Article found 03/09/2021
What say you? What’s your opinion on the GLF and their aims? How far would you be willing to go to liberate gnomes? Let us know in the comments section below.
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