A trip to the local garden emporium has always been an enjoyable activity. This is because it allowed folks to get out and enjoy nature while selecting plants, flowers, and other gardening paraphernalia. However, this past weekend, I stumbled upon something that left me with a sour taste in my mouth: garden gnomes.
Garden gnomes look unassuming enough at first glance. They stand about three feet tall and appear to be made of clay or some other material that would retain moisture well in a garden setting. They seem harmless enough until you notice their grotesque features: bulging eyes, large mouths, and other facial distortions that make them look akin to ghouls from a horror movie.
This isn’t the only thing that makes garden gnomes repulsive, however. If you didn’t see them in person, you may not realize just how many garden gnomes there are out there: thousands and thousands! These dwarves crowd our local gardens and lawns like an infestation of vermin (or orcs).
The worst part is, they’re multiplying faster than ever. Not only is it now possible to purchase garden gnomes online—such as here, at buygardengnomes.com—but there are also a number of horror movies featuring these freaks! They’ve even been prominently featured in some music videos as well as the new James Bond film.
The scariest thing about all of this is that garden gnomes have been around since the 1860s, but it wasn’t until recently that they became so popular. Considering how long garden gnomes have been in production, there is no telling what fresh horrors await future generations—and I for one am not going to sit idly by while this horror spreads throughout our modern society!
I encourage everyone else to boycott garden gnomes and resist this growing trend if you want to keep the world decent. Letting these abominations go unchecked will only lead us down a dark path that will end with garden gnomes crawling out of every household fireplace in America!
Please help put an end to garden gnomes by sharing this article about how awful they are. Thanks for reading!
Article by Ethan J. Longstreet
Published June 19th, 2015 in the Brookhaven Bugle
What say you? What’s your opinion on garden gnomes, their future, and your part in it? Let us know through the comments section below.
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