It’s happened again. One of your cherished gnomes has gone wild, and is now trying to sexually assault one of your other gnomes… Or worse still, you. You have to take action! Here are the top 5 ways to fight off a sexually aggressive garden gnome. We’re not saying that our list is definitive, but it’s worked for us.
1) Attacking the Privates
By far the best way to fend off a sexually aggressive garden gnome is by attacking its genitals. Garden gnomes have a lot of sensitive areas that, if struck properly or crushed with just about anything really, can fell them in seconds. One example: their tiny, extremely sensitive genitals. Grab a large stick and beat the genitals off it! One swat with a large stick, one smack on his little chopper will take him out of the fight for good.
Alternatively, a swift kick will usually do the trick. If you find yourself unarmed and alone with a sexually aggressive garden gnome, run towards it with your hands covering your privates (either in defense or to hold up the flow of urine if you are caught in the act of urinating). The sexually aggressive garden gnome will most likely not be able to maintain its focus on assaulting you when confronted with the prospect of assault itself. Punt it like a football.
2) Chuck a Brick At It
There’s nothing more satisfying than watching a brick fly through the air and make contact with your gnome assailant. You’ve got to aim properly though; you don’t want to hit one of your other gnomes! If you can knock it down, maybe even destroy it, you’ll be in the clear. This method is not recommended if you are dealing with a gang of gnomes, as you will likely only have a limited supply of bricks.
3) The Classic Wrestling Hold
Garden gnomes are weak in terms of strength, so any sort of wrestling hold should work. They hold very little resistance when you bear down on them, and they can’t move much at all, due to their stubby legs. Try placing your gnome into a headlock by firmly grabbing the base of its neck with one hand while you place your other hand on top of his head. Then slowly squeeze until it becomes limp. Repeat if necessary.
4) Turn to The Cross
Turn to The Cross for strength in your time of need. Remember, with God all things are possible.
5) Garden Gnome Gun
This is the most obvious choice. Simply pick up your garden gnome gun and point it directly at your sexually aggressive gnome. The intense beam of light emitted from the garden gnome gun will send any sexually aggressive gnomes flying back into their dust piles, giving you enough time to escape.
Note: We do not recommend targeting the other innocent garden gnomes in your yard with this method. They are likely to be traumatised by your actions, so please limit its use to only those times when a sex-crazed gnome has attacked you or another one of your non-consenting garden statues.
Bonus) Call Its Parents
Believe it or not, most garden gnomes have parents. Many also have aunts and uncles, even grandparents! If one of your gnomes is becoming sexually aggressive, just pick up the phone and calmly explain the situation to its parents. They’ll sort it out in no time.
Bonus) Call the Cops
Sometimes it’s just easier to call the cops. Nothing says “gotcha” like a gnome in cuffs! Make sure you get a good, clear photo before they take your assailant away, though; you never know when it might come in handy for blackmail purposes later. Just make sure they don’t take any of your other gnomes!
Bonus) Hand to Gnome Combat
An ancient form of martial art, this usually involves grabbing the gnome by his pointy hat and bashing him against a wall until he is unconscious, which should take about five to ten minutes (although it could be longer depending on the size of your gnomes). Once you’ve broken his little orange neck, or bashed away all of his green body parts, then he should stop doing whatever it was he was doing.
However, if you’re fighting off multiple sexually aggressive garden gnomes at once, simply repeat this process until they are all laying motionless at your feet. Then sweep them up with a broom and dump them in the bin outside your house for recycling before anyone notices.
Bonus) Do a Barrel Roll
If you’re outdoors, and have the room to do it, try breaking out into an acrobatic barrel roll. Your attacker will find this very disorienting, and give you enough time to escape. Bonus points if you can land on your feet! This is by far the most effective method in your arsenal.
Bonus) Stab It With Your Pitchfork
If you’ve got a decent sized pitchfork, then this method is great for taking out the gnome. Stab him in the head, and then go about your business. If he’s not dead, he will be soon. For added effect, dance around with your pitchfork while chanting Satanic verses.
If all else fails, remember this simple phrase: “I have a gun.” Gnomes don’t like guns; they make them feel uncomfortable and unsafe by reminding them of their mortality. Once you’ve said these magic words, your gnome assailant will leave you alone and go back to its family without delay.
After your gnome has been safely repelled, you may wish to take some time for introspection about how it all came to this. You should probably look into talking to a professional counselor or join one of those support groups that people go on TV and talk about.
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