There are many things in life that should be taken at face value, but garden gnomes are not among them. Here are a few facts you may not know about these popular lawn ornaments:
Fact #1 : Garden gnomes have a bizarre origin story that defies imagination and challenges our very understand of the universe.
In 1816, a merchant in the German town of Nuremberg was visited by three silent but insistent men who did not reveal their identities or take any food or water for days. The merchant grew quite ill and could barely keep himself alive with broth and tea, but he soon discovered that his mysterious guests had an invisible connection to his body. “They’re gnomes!” he screamed before dying of exhaustion, according to the coroner’s report.
All evidence points to the fact that garden gnomes are actually extraterrestrial beings who wish to remain anonymous by using shapeshifting magic and inhabiting inanimate objects. Ponder this long and hard, children! But do not ponder for too long, or you will become even more confused.
Fact #2 : Garden gnomes are secretly plotting to do terrible things to the human population using advanced robotics and hormonal technology that gives them an unfair advantage in size and strength.
Humans have always treated garden gnomes as if they were harmless, friendly creatures based on their small stature and jovial personalities. However, we could not be more mistaken! Garden gnomes have been placed on Earth as sleeper agents living among the human population for millennia, waiting to unify their forces and rise up against us through violent revolution. They plan to massacre as many as they can using advanced weaponry such as water balloons filled with acid and miniature blowtorches.
Fact #3 : Garden gnomes are waging a secret battle with earthworms for control of the soil in your very own backyard.
While garden gnomes have kept their true colors hidden from humanity, they have not been able to keep earthworms off their trail. Earthworms know all too well that garden gnomes shall inherit the planet when humans are gone, and are determined to take as much of the planet’s soil with them as possible.
Earthworms are even known to crawl up inside of gnomes’ hollow legs, robbing them of valuable nutrients and minerals which gnomes must then replace by sucking on garden stones like candy (a practice that has since caught on among human children). That’s why you might notice little Timmy eating rocks this holiday season.
Fact #4 : Garden gnomes are using the money YOU give them as a form of government-sponsored terrorism.
The US Department of Homeland Security has repeatedly warned citizens against giving garden gnomes as holiday gifts, as they have been known to carry “dirty bombs” inside of their hats, rather than the traditional presents like food or shiny rocks.
It is imperative that citizens learn who they are giving gifts to this holiday season, lest someone slip a garden gnome into your home without you knowing it. Pray for and dream of peace on Earth, but sleep with one eye open!
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