By Melissa Levy for the Wilson Bugle
April 13, 2015 – Reports of garden gnomes being placed in uncomfortable and sometimes dangerous situations have increased tenfold compared to this time last year, local authorities have reported. Whether the figures are due to an actual increase in pranks or simply better reporting is not yet clear. What is known is that the problem extends far beyond the borders of this college town and may be a national issue.
One Wilson police officer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said his department has noticed this disturbing trend. “We’re still in the very early stages, but it appears that there is some kind of organized group behind all this. We’ve seen gnomes in trees, on roofs and with nooses around their necks. If it’s not stopped soon there could be serious injuries or even fatalities.” Authorities cite the most recent incident, which occurred near the outside of Wilson University, as a perfect example.
“We received a call from an elderly couple who had been out for their daily walk when they noticed a gnome in their neighbor’s yard standing on its head with its arm sticking up. They turned around and headed straight home but were followed by the same gnome. They entered their home and locked the door, but that didn’t stop it. The gnome knocked on the window for almost half an hour before finally giving up and leaving.”
Although unable to be reached for comment at press time, local garden gnomes are believed to have organized into a group called “GNOMORG” and are demanding better conditions such as health care, higher wages, and the right to unionize. They have threatened to strike if their demands are not met by May 1st. Authorities remain skeptical of these claims but remind citizens that garden gnomes may be armed with some form of weaponry and should not be approached without proper training and protective equipment.
Melissa Levy is a sophomore journalism major at Wilson University. When she isn’t in class, she enjoys sitting in front of a computer and writing about things that make her angry.
LEAVE A COMMENT! (14)
Lindsey Navel said:
i love this post so much i just wish you would let me wear your skin. November 13, 2015 at 12:09 AM
Unknown said:
Beautiful! I can’t wait to meet you in person. October 22, 2015 at 3:32 PM
Kayla said:
How could you do this to me?! October 20, 2015 at 7:35 PM
Unknown said:
The only thing I could think of was the scene from Family Guy where Peter got turned into a gnome. I know this is fake, but it’s still pretty damn funny. September 16, 2015 at 10:38 AM
Anonymous said:
I live in America! I know what a garden gnome is. September 8, 2015 at 7:06 PM
Jayson said:
Everyone knows gnomes are awesome September 3, 2015 at 8:04 PM
Lion King Fan said:
This is a joke right? September 3, 2015 at 7:39 PM
Unknown said:
Why are you using my name? September 2, 2015 at 4:31 PM
Unknown said:
A gnome that lives until he is at least 100 years old cannont die from a disease. August 26, 2015 at 8:40 AM
Unknown said:
I love this so much! Good work! August 25, 2015 at 12:42 PM
Unknown said:
ill take whats left of your flesh when you die August 18, 2015 at 5:14 AM
Unknown said:
I’m not what? August 17, 2015 at 10:33 PM
Kaitlynn said:
i love you so much August 17, 2015 at 9:44 PM
Sean said:
I feel so sorry for garden gnomes everywhere. They did nothing to deserve this! August 16, 2015 at 4:33 PM
Leave a Comment