There are no official statistics on gnome dating, but the Council For The Prevention of Cruelty To Garden Gnomes is receiving an alarming increase in reports from gardeners whose friends or family members have recently started dating a garden gnome. These people may display several of the following warning signs:
They spend an unusual amount of time in the garden, at night.
They spend an unusual amount of time in the garden, at night. They often talk about their feelings although they are made of stone. They make plans for the future with you, but never seems to mention any friends or family in their life.
Their entire bedroom is lined with gnomes.
Their entire bedroom is lined with gnomes. They always seem to be in really high spirits, even in the middle of winter when it’s freezing cold outside. They are perpetually optimistic about gardening, no matter how bleak the weather. Whenever they talk about their past relationships, they refer to them as ‘disasters’ that ‘ended in tears’ because they are a ‘garden gnome’.
Their wardrobe contains nothing but matching gnome outfits (and possibly gnome hats).
Their wardrobe contains nothing but matching gnome outfits (and possibly gnome hats). They have a tendency to look shifty whenever the subject of their family comes up. They are completely obsessed with lawn ornaments of all kinds, but particularly of the gnomic variety. They refer to themselves as being ‘fiercely independent’.
They own more than one copy of ‘The Complete Guide to Garden Gnomes’.
They own more than one copy of ‘The Complete Guide to Garden Gnomes’. They are not afraid to cry in public, especially while watching romantic comedies involving garden gnomes.
They like to sunbathe naked (not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just more common in gnomes). They often say things like ‘Gnome is where the heart is’ or ‘I’m not made of stone’ or ‘Gnome Is The Way’. They refer to the act of ## as ‘bumping gnomes’.
They are almost always smoking something suspicious.
They are almost always smoking something suspicious. They often come home late at night smelling like garden fertiliser and vodka. Sometimes they wear sunglasses indoors even if it’s night time, but never outdoors for some reason. They often talk about how many people they’ve ‘bagged’ and boast about how ‘flexible and open-minded they are’.
They refer to the act of ## as ‘sowing wild oats’.
They refer to the act of ## as ‘sowing wild oats’. They frequently leave piles of green garden waste on your doorstep. They frequently talk about having one’s own space, but somehow end up in your bedroom most nights (and it’s a pain to get them out). They often say things like ‘I’m only looking for fun’ or ‘I don’t do commitment’.
They are aware of gnome culture.
They make frequent references to gnomes in popular culture, especially garden gnomes, but also the other types of gnome. They seem to be very knowledgeable about ‘gnomical trends’ even though they are ostensibly human. They often refer to their many ex-girlfriends as ‘gnomish bints’.
Their favourite film is ‘Gnomeo & Juliet’.
Their favourite film is ‘Gnomeo & Juliet’. They occasionally refer to humans as ‘plants’ or ‘plants that need watering’. They are often spotted wearing musty old clothes that look like they were made in the 19th century. They love using long, sesquipedalian words to describe their feelings. They have a tendency to wear heavy boots even in the height of summer.
They often dance around doing nothing but waving their arms in the air while making vague noises that don’t actually resemble anything other than being vaguely musical.
They often dance around doing nothing but waving their arms in the air while making vague noises that don’t actually resemble anything other than being vaguely musical. They often talk about the fact that they are ‘part of nature’ or how ‘we are all one’ or some rubbish like that. They have a tendency to dress up as trees, especially when it’s windy outside. They have an entire room devoted to terrariums and aquariums.
They are obsessed with beards.
They are obsessed with beards. They have an unnatural fear of being ‘boxed in’, even though they are very comfortable living in small, confined spaces between bricks or under the floorboards. They often talk about how they prefer to ‘go out’ instead of ‘coming out’.
They often talk about their ‘promiscuous’ past.
They often talk about their ‘promiscuous’ past. They have a tendency to go quiet whenever the subject of children is broached in conversation, or they suddenly ‘remember’ that they need to wash the dishes or do some gardening. They often say things like ‘I’m not looking for love’, ‘I’m only human’, ‘why do you keep asking me about this?’.
If you or someone you know is exhibiting some of these warning signs, please contact your local chapter of the Council for the Prevention of Cruelty To Garden Gnomes immediately.
Who Are the CFTPOCTGG?
You love to garden, which is why it’s time to take your obsession to the next level. Join the world-famous Council For The Prevention of Cruelty To Garden Gnomes with this exclusive offer!
This package includes everything you need for a successful relationship with your garden gnome:
*The Complete Guide to Garden Gnomes – It will tell you how much food goes into every meal and what kind of clothes they wear.
*A hammer so you can have meaningful conversations about construction projects.
*A miniature animal statue in commemoration of all those pets that you loved unconditionally before meeting that special someone.
*A Guide for Woodland Creatures – For when you want to look out for the environment and be one with nature.
The CFTPOCTGG is a national charity dedicated to helping garden gnomes find true love and companionship amongst humans and has branches all over the country. “We’re here twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week for one-on-one counselling.”
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