Written by: Dr. X
August 1, 2009 Post Comment
Some things are better left unsaid. And some things are better left to the imagination, but I have no control over what readers imagine when they read my posts. Whatever their thoughts might be is up to them, I just write the articles.
Some of my articles get a lot of email, and I try to answer all of it. Some time ago, way before we started our local Gnome Liberation Front (in Southern Ohio) we were discussing in an article about the issues surrounding Catch and Release in regards to feral cats and feral dogs. A reader wrote back and mentioned that people would not tolerate a similar policy for catching garden gnomes, spaying them and releasing them in the woods.
He said: “Catch, spay and release on feral gnomes? No way. People would be up in arms if you even suggested it.”
I thought about his email when I read on Yahoo News today about a woman in Essex England who was “traumatized” after finding a gnome with its foot stuck in the lawn mower she had been using. The gnome required bystander intervention to prevent injury from the blades of the mower, and then needed veterinary care for his foot. Which he lost.
In my previous article I mentioned that people would not tolerate this for feral cats and dogs, but I was wrong. It seems people are willing to risk gnome lives if it means they can have a well manicured lawn.
My article inspired one woman in our local Gnome Liberation Front (out of 665 members) to act on her objections about Catch and Release policies when she found a gnome by the side of the road. Read her email below:
“Dear Dr. X,
I don’t usually write to authors, but I wanted to share an experience that illustrates your point about catch and release concerning feral garden gnomes.”
Here is what she wrote (some names have been changed to protect the innocent):
This morning I found a garden gnome.
He was sitting by the side of my road, just waiting for me to find him.
I knew what had to be done, but it is against my principles to harm people who are just doing their jobs.
But this job must have been too much for him. He looked exhausted. He looked at me with glazed eyes, and I could tell he was depressed.
He had a resigned look about him, as if he knew what I was going to do.
I took him home and gave him some lunch. He ate very little.
Then I took him to my back yard shed where I keep all of my tools.
I laid him down on a soft blanket and he closed his eyes and took a nap almost immediately.
When I returned from the shed, I found a note telling me that if I didn’t return the gnome, bad things would happen to my garden.
I have a few gnomes in my garden so I know how powerful these objects are.
To protect myself, I decided to spay him immediately.
But when he awoke from his nap he was terrified and frightened. He started screaming “I don’t want this done”.
He was very loud, and people started coming out of their houses. He kept on screaming until I finally placed a handkerchief over his mouth and nose and told him to stop fighting it.
When he awoke after I had spayed him, he was very quiet.
He just sat there not saying anything, which I thought was odd because most male creatures are so chatty after the procedure.
I asked if he would like something to eat and drink, but he didn’t say anything. He just moped around with this air of depression about him.
Anyway, I placed him back on his lawn chair next to my yellow tulips and went inside for a drink of lemonade.
He just sat there staring at me. I think he was very upset with me.
I will give him some time to calm down, and maybe tomorrow we can talk about things.
I am hoping that he can be happy here in my garden, far away from the dangers of lawnmower blades and weed whackers (just like you said).
But what if he’s not happy here with me?
What if he wants to go back and be a lawn gnome?
I don’t know what I would do, but I guess we will just have to wait and see.
Until tomorrow . . .”
This is the first case of its kind. And shows that perhaps our previous assumptions about Catch, Spay and Release were wrong, and the policy needs to be revisited.
Tune in tomorrow for our next edition of “Gnome Happenings”.
Comments:
Anonymous said…
What a horrible story, I wanted to cry. What kind of a monster would spay a gnome? And then how could she be so cruel as to release him into the wild without a second thought about his well being, I hope the humane society comes after her for this cruel unimaginable treatment. April 25, 2009 at 10:48 PM
Chrys Camilleri said…
I can wholeheartedly agree with the Anonymous commenter above. I think what makes this so heartless is that she didn’t even give him his human rights to choose, like whether he wanted to be spayed or not. He was probably forced into it! And then released back into the wild without any further consideration of how dangerous it may be for him out there, or perhaps even worse, without any consideration of his poor mental well being from the trauma he received from being spayed against his will. This has GOT to be illegal! I can’t believe there is no law that protects animals or anything! How horrible. April 26, 2009 at 4:37 AM
Anonymous said…
I agree with Anonymous and Chrys. This is horrible, but what are the authorities to do? I’m sure they will look into it. April 26, 2009 at 5:19 AM
Anonymous said…
I called the Police about Gnome Abuse, and they told me that there was no law against spaying them and releasing them back into general population. They advised me to call the Humane Society. I called them, and they are sending someone over tomorrow to inspect the site of the crime. April 26, 2009 at 5:29 AM
Anonymous said…
Please help me. I have a male gnome in my yard that has been dancing on my new tulips every night for months now. And he keeps spraying everything and peeing on it. What can I do? Someone told me to take him to a vet and have him spayed, but I think that is against his human rights. Can someone please let me know what I should do about this gnome? April 30, 2009 at 10:33 AM
Anonymous said…
I called the police again. They told me that there is no law about there being a male gnome in your yard and they don’t know of any vets that will spay them. I just hope nothing happens to my tulips or I won’t be able to sleep at night. May 9, 2009 at 6:07 PM
Anonymous said…
How horrible! I hate to be the one to knock down your previous comment, but I think you are wrong when you say that Catch, Spay & Release do not work. I have tried it with my garden gnomes and they are much happier now. They are singing in the rain, enjoying their free time – well at least the ones that aren’t working. I have seen them spending time with each other and sharing stories, just like the article above said. They get to choose their job and get away from danger whenever they want to. I think it is a much better alternative than catching gnomes in cages all day long. June 13, 2009 at 7:18 AM
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