By: Professor MacManaman, The Times [Retrieved 05/09/2021]
An ancient and tall order has been filled: the lawn ornament industry is now booming with an influx of enormous miniature garden gnomes that tower over the average suburban family home. Once relegated to the gardens of eccentric rich folk, these gargantuan lawn ornaments of stone and plaster have been popping up across the western world since last summer.
One such garden has been fitted out with a massive family of 20 hand painted gnomes that reach more than 3m into the sky above Merseyside. The collection began as a smaller set of 8 but the family kept growing, with the most recent addition being a dozen or so ‘baby’ gnomes. According to the owner of the property, who prefers to remain anonymous: “I’ve been building up my gnome army over a few years now and I just love how they tower over my neighbours’ houses.”
This enthusiasm is shared by many other home owners, with smaller collections beginning to pop up across the UK. Most of these collectors reside in the south and west of Britain: one such woman from London said: “I saw a set of 20 gnomes at Glastonbury last year and fell in love. They were dwarfing all the tents and vehicles around them and I knew I had to make my garden as gnome-tastic as possible.”
However, not all of those now enjoying the benefits of their new collections are seasoned veterans. One such homeowner from Devon spoke with us after his recent purchase: “I saw one old man in a field with them and it just looked like they were having such fun, and the view from my new house is just perfect, so I had to have some.”
While many new owners are happy with their collections of garden gnomes, there are an increasing number of people who are attempting to break into the market. One such person was recently caught on CCTV near the owner of a 20-gnome collection in Hertfordshire: “I was getting a bit worried when my gnomes kept going missing. I thought it might have been kids trying to vandalise them, but then I saw a man in dark clothing and sunglasses walking off into the distance with all sorts of my gnomes stuffed into his bag.”
The New Trend
The British authorities are unsure how to cope with this new trend of gargantuan lawn ornaments. So far, there have been no arrests and most incidents of theft remain unsolved. One old man residing in a shanty town outside Liverpool stated: “I used to watch the little people [a weird slang term for garden gnomes] when I was young and had a large family all living on my own. I’d watch them dance and play all day, but then one day they were just gone.”
The majority of those now enjoying these gargantuan ornaments are unsure why there has been such a boom recently. The consensus seems to be that it is an attempt by the human race to once again connect with nature: many of those with larger collections of garden ornaments have tried to get their trees and bushes to grow into the same shape as their gnomes.
One such man from Wales recently had a large tree in his front yard shaped like a single giant gnome: “I’ve been trying for years to make my own little people grow in the right shapes, but I just can’t seem to do it. So I thought, if the trees and bushes aren’t working then maybe larger gnomes would.”
Changing Demographics
While there is no concrete evidence to support this claim, many people have noticed a change in their neighbours’ behaviour since the appearance of these huge ornaments: “I’ve never felt so connected with my surroundings and community as I do now that these people are around. It almost feels like we’re all one big family sometimes, and that’s a really good feeling.”
The sudden demand for garden gnomes is also thought to be down to the changing demographic of many suburban areas: “There’s definitely been a shift in the composition of those moving into these areas,” said one estate agent in Reading: “They seem to be younger and we’re finding that they’re quite enthusiastic about the new relationships they’re forming with their neighbours.”
Second Thoughts
While most of these collectors appear to be happy with their ever-growing collections, there are some people who have had second thoughts: “I used to think that this was the collection of my dreams, but now I see them as something else entirely. They’re taking over our lives.”
Many have reported nightmares since their new purchases – one homeowner spoke to us after experiencing his first ever nightmare: “I had a dream that they were all dancing around me in this white room and then someone came into the room holding one of those hats that doctors used to wear and then suddenly all my garden gnomes were gone.”
The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, sent us these pictures that he had drawn himself during the nightmare: “I think I’m going to start putting them away at night like the owner of the 20-gnome collection did. It’s definitely the right thing to do. This definitely won’t happen to me and my gnomes will stay in their places forever.”
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