- A Source Close To The Gnome Claimed He Was A “Very Reliable” Member Of The Community, Saying “He’s Always On Time And Never Late For Work”.
- The Garden Ornament Refused To Give An Interview When Asked If He Would Like To Make Any Sort Of Statement To The Local Residents.
- Police Investigating The M*sturb*tion Charge Have Been Forced To Bring In Forensic Experts After A “Large Amount Of White Fibres” Were Found At The Scene.
- The Garden Ornament Was Released Without Charge Due To Lack Of Evidence, But Police Still Want To Ask Him Some Questions About The Location Of His Pants And The M*sturb*tion.
A garden gnome in the village of Fairburn was found on Monday with his pants around his ankles and “flogging his doughy flesh like there’s no tomorrow”, according to onlookers.
It is understood that this particular garden ornament has been very active on Fairburn Common, often seen jiggling about and leaving evidence of his activities behind on the common.
However, this is the first time that he has been observed performing this particular act.
Police took him into custody where they hope to get more details from him as well as ask him some pretty serious questions about the goings-on at Fairburn Common.
Who Is This Gnome?
Nobody knows his name, but we do know that he is the brother of two other gnomes who live in an elaborate garden which has been featured on Gardeners World.
So, by now I’m sure you are wondering what has happened to turn this quaint garden ornament into a lewd public m*sturb*tor.
Well, the Fairburn Gazette reached out to some of the Fairburn local residents on their thoughts about these new allegations against this pillar of their community.
“I feel betrayed,” said one woman. “I mean, he knows the names of my children and I’ve even let him play with them in the garden.”
“Many’s a day I would see him up on that roof doin’ it. It was like his second home,” admitted another man.
“We’re all completely shattered by this news,” admitted one young girl. “We’ve all been taking some pretty strong drugs lately and the possibility of them being laced with something chemical is not out of the question.”
“I’m just glad they took him off the streets. We were all living in fear that he’d come back anytime soon,” admitted another local resident who didn’t want to be named. “He’s clearly got some mental issues that need sorting out.”
Originally published in Fairburn Gazette, 13th May 2004. Retrieved 05/09/2021.
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