By Rude Bo Young
I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach this morning, which is usually due to too many deep-fried appetizers and rum punch at Walt’s Wharf. This time, however, it was because I heard that our entire medical establishment is hopelessly out of touch with reality once again. Apparently, there is a new health problem that threatens to make The Glandular Disease of the Month Club look like a bunch of crybabies. Even worse, it affects our children!
The actual ailment is RGGS (Rude Garden Gnomes Syndrome), which is marked by little green men with massive red noses and long beards who gawk at young children through windows and jump out from behind bushes to scare the shrieking heck out of them. This, we are told, is an illness and not a bizarre form of child abuse.
According to Dr. Francesca Shrapnel, who specializes in RGGS at Miskatonic University’s School of Medicine: “These poor children have no idea that these ghoulish characters are merely trying to fulfill their basic needs for food, shelter and companionship. I’ve even heard it said that they do this because they see children as reflections of their own lost innocence.”
The good doctor was particularly upset with the recent case of a young girl in Hicksville (population: 13), who was traumatized when her Rude Garden Gnome exploded in a puff of dust shortly after she brought him into the house. Her distraught parents called 911, with the girl hysterically crying that Tiny Timmy from next door had been murdered by “the bad man.”
The police investigated and found nothing to implicate Tiny Timmy as being involved. Evidence was scant and the incident had happened on the girl’s parents’ property. “Obviously,” continued Dr. Shrapnel, “it would be unwise of us to jump to conclusions about Tiny Timmy’s innocence or guileless motives.”
The good doctor then revealed that she is currently treating a three-year old boy in Hicksville who has conjured up a new friend. He calls it the “green man” and says that he is kind, warm and very gentle. It seems to provide comfort for him at night when his parents are fighting again.
RGGS has also become an epidemic among older children between 8 and 13 years of age. They tend to believe that their malevolent gawk-fest has always been inside them, urging them to commit cruel acts against family, friends and schoolmates. They believe that the gnomes are responsible for pushing them over the edge into fits of violence or other antisocial behavior.
Dr. Shrapnel claims that children can be treated with counseling to help them understand the “true nature” of their “delusions.” This usually makes the child feel secure and secure and less anxious about life in general. Parents who can afford it often send their children to expensive rehabilitation centers that use a process called the Rude Garden Gnome Addendum (RGGA) to “cleanse the soul” of these evil forces.
This special treatment is expensive and not covered by any health insurance plans. However, there are many charitable organizations that provide the necessary money to keep these centers open.
The Rude Garden Gnome Liberation Organization (RGGLO), has chosen to “fight fire with fire” by buying up all of the nasty little creatures they can find and then reprogramming them to do good deeds. The gnomes are then returned to the neighborhoods where they were found, with their noses pressed against the windows of young children.
It seems that most of these little monsters have been stripped of all their ill-gotten gains, so they will no longer pose a threat to our children’s sense of security. Many have been fitted with a small explosive device, just enough to scare a child into running for help.
The above was written by Rude Bo Young, an award winning author of over 87 books that have yet to be published or banned. You can find him at his writing shed (as long as he can find it), or at his website, which is currently still under construction. This article was originally published in the Hicksville Gazette on May 21, 2014. [Retrieved 05/09/2021]
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