By Anne T. Donahue
If you find yourself plagued by an infestation of garden gnomes, it may be time to check if yours are cursed. Though these ceramic creatures can be delightful additions to your landscaping, they’re also the unwitting targets of evil sorcery that can lead to some gnome-scary (gnome-nomical?) happenings. If your misplaced lawn ornaments are coming to life in the night and wreaking havoc, you’ve likely fallen prey to a garden gnome curse.
How did this all start? Well, there was that one time where you were hanging out with your college roommates and some good ol’ Dr. Phibes was playing on TV. You had some choice cocktails, ate too many pizzas and decided to do the most hilarious prank ever by painting little swirly eyes on all your garden gnaves before hiding them around your apartment complex for innocent bystanders to find. It was so funny watching people’s reactions! And the best part, you thought, was that you didn’t have to go all the way out to a Halloween store. Back in your college days you were too poor to be buying holiday decorations from fancy stores, so everything around your humble abode had a DIY touch. Like this one time when your succulent died and you did this hilarious thing where you hung its corpse upside down from the ceiling with fishing wire. That one got so much attention!
How to Tell If Your Gnomes are Cursed
Well, it’s been a few years since then and now your garden gnomes are coming back to haunt you. Here’s how to tell if you’re being haunted by an angry curse of garden gnomes:
1) Your garden gnomes appear to be moving in the cover of night, like animatronic lawn ornaments.
2) Your garden gnomes are making strange signs involving their hands, like if they were casting a spell.
3) Your garden gnome no longer sits atop your plants at all times. He spends most of his time by the side of your house, roundhouse kicking any other garden gnomes who dare to try and stand near him.
4) Your garden gnome appears to have grown a mouth on its round belly, usually with a protruding tongue that he wags at passersby.
5) You go into the backyard one day only to find all your garden gnomes have been replaced with multiple copies of Michelangelo’s David statue. They are all anatomically correct.
If your garden gnomes meet any of these criteria, it’s time to break out the black magic curses remover you ordered online from Amazon Prime just in case this day ever came. Now we get to the fun part: how do you lift this curse and restore balance and harmony to your life?
First step: admit that you’ve done wrong
The first step in lifting a garden gnome curse is to admit that you’ve done wrong. Accept that what you did was a mistake and don’t fight it. If you’re approaching this from an irrational perspective, the only way to lift the curse will be to repent by going through with the consequences of your actions.
Afterwards, you should take time to reflect on your life and figure out how you want to live without any curses. You can also pray or do some other kind of spiritual practice to help get you there. Remember that all this work is just as important for your emotional health as for anything else.
Second step: repent for your mistakes
Once you’ve recognized the errors of your ways, it’s time to put in some work to be a better person. You can do this by checking yourself against the ten commandments, sitting in silence and reflecting on how you want to live your life from now on, or performing some other kind of spiritual practice that resonates with you.
Third step: send all your cursed garden gnomes to a farm in Texas
After you’ve repented, there’s one more thing you have to do. You need to send all your garden gnomes away, preferably off to a farm in Texas where a man in a white cowboy hat will look after them. He is called a ‘rancher’. Here is how this works:
1) First, get an enactment of the law from your state’s law library. This is something that hasn’t changed since the 1800s, so it should be pretty easy to find.
2) Then, you need to sign this enactment of the law in the presence of notary public. Afterward, you have to say “I hereby sell all my garden gnomes.” You must say this out loud. You may even want to get someone else to read the law out loud while you say it, if that feels more sincere.
3) Then, take any remaining cursed garden gnomes you have and put them into a box. You should then drive them to the nearest train station, bus station, or airport.
4) Finally, sell your car to go travel around India for six months on a spiritual journey so you can learn more about your life’s purpose.
That’s it! If you’ve followed these three steps, you should be all set to bring life back into your garden.
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